I Never Thought I'd Die in a Bowling Alley
by eCat66
Summary: Gabriel might be a dick, but Balthazar's the one who's cheating at bowling. Okay, Gabriel's cheating too. Cas just wants to defend Dean's honor. one-shot


**Uh. I got bored at work today.  
Here is a Supernatural one-shot... I'm sorry? (I'm not sorry)  
Based off of this casanddeananalsex dot tumblr dot com / post / 29150660471 / , because I've always wanted to do a story with these angel buddies and this sounded like a nice idea for a quickie.  
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and if I did they'd be doing disgraceful things by now.**

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"Gabriel... I don't understand why this is necessary."

Gabriel sighs and grins at the young woman behind the shoe counter. He hands her a crumpled ball of money and a wink. "Oh, Cas. Cas, Cas, Cas. There's just so much you don't understand about living down here with the mud-monkeys. You've got to assimilate."

Castiel frowns and nearly topples over as Balthazar kneels in front of him and rips off Jimmy's dress shoes unceremoniously. Dean grabs him under his arms. They both ignore Gabriel's eyebrow wiggle.

"You wanna show your hunter a good time, right?" Gabriel shrugs with his arms raised, as if to say, you kids these days, what am I going to do with you? "Bowling is a great first date you know. You can stand all pressed up against Dean's back and show him just where to put his fingers -"

"Uh, Dean! Let's go get a lane!" Sam says. He grabs Dean by the lapel of his jacket and pulls him away from Gabriel, who is using his whole body to mime what he's suggesting, shimmying his hips provocatively. The worker behind the counter is holding his change out awkwardly.

Balthazar claps his hands. "Fabulous," he says to Cas' bowling shoe-clad feet. "Now who's up for a little wager? I'll bet you five million bucks I win, and I'll throw in another million for Cassie and Dean frenching by the end of the night!"

Gabriel snorts and Castiel wonders what the francophone culture has to do with him and Dean. "Please Balth, what are we, twelve? If I win I want your stash of weapons that you stole from heaven. Most of them are mine anyway." He snaps his fingers and metallic gold bowling shoes appear on his feet. He can't wait to see Sammy's bitch face light up for these babies.

"And as for our baby bro, I'm putting my money on third base."

"How do you run bases in bowling?" Cas asks as they steer him over to the lane. "Is this game similar to baseball?"

"How 'bout you ask Dean-o to explain that one?" Gabriel whispers lecherously into Cas' ear. "Tell him you want to go to third base, but you need him to show you how." He shoves him towards the hunter and turns toward the rack of bowling balls.

"Don't let him go too fast now, Castiel," Balthazar warns with a mocking paternal air. "Use lots of tongue - but you stop those hands if they start roaming. Good little angels don't give it up on the first date."

Castiel stands uncertainly for a moment and then shuffles off. His confused expression so pronounced that he now simply looks bewildered. He does not like this 'bowling' so far. It's all very perplexing.

"Dean," Sam whispers as Cas hovers next to them. Sam is writing their names onto a score card. "Could you at least try not to let Gabriel get to you? We don't want to fight with him anymore."

"I know, I know... the whole reason we're here is because he wouldn't have helped us otherwise. But seriously, Sammy, who refuses to help fight Satan unless we take him bowling? Welcome to team free will, now with 100% more of Heaven's biggest douchebag."

"Dean, Gabriel will be invaluable to us. He is, after all, an archangel." Castiel says, stumbling a bit in his ill fitting shoes. "The devil -"

Sam clears his throat loudly at both of them as a man herds his children to a lane further away from theirs, his wife nervously petting a cross around her neck.

"Now kids, play nice," Gabriel says as he swaggers over. "Oh, lookie there, I'm first." He holds up his hand and a solid-gold bowling ball appears in his grip. "Should we get this things started?"

Castiel and Sam sigh in unison, and Dean pouts. Balthazar tries to pass around a questionable looking flask.

A clap of thunder rolls ominously outside and Gabriel's grin is lit up the accompanying flash of lightning.

Castiel looks up at the ceiling as Gabriel lines up his shot, his blue eyes looking as exasperated and mournful as ever. "That can't be good," he rumbles. Dean exchanges a glance with Sam. "Care to elaborate, Cas?"

But he just shakes his head grabs onto the back of a chair as the ground rumbles beneath them.

"That's a strike," Gabriel. "Check it, hombres."

"Oh God," Sam says.

"Nope. Just me," Gabriel replies.

Balthazar glares and the wind picks up outside. The windows rattle. Gabriel smirks tauntingly at the angel and bumps his shoulder as they pass. "Gabriel, please," Cas chides nervously.

"Anyone want nachos?" Sam offers weakly.

They all jump as another thunderclap rattles the windows. "Damn," Balthazar complains as the last pin standing teeters precariously before steadying. He holds his hands out in front of him and the floor beneath the pin shakes and splinters.

"Wooo! Strike!" he yells, his fists raised in triumph. The mother in the family a few lanes over is now praying out loud as they skitter out the front door without stopping to get their shoes.

"Oh my God, was that an earthquake?" the girl behind the counter yells.

"Archangels," Castiel replies, and she screams and runs as the whole building shakes and rain roars outside.

"Whoa, whoa, hey!" Dean shouts, standing and then nearly falling. "Enough of this heavenly retribution crap! It's bowling, for fuck's sa-"

Gabriel snaps his fingers and Dean falls back into his chair his mouth opening and closing silently.

"Just bowling, Deanna? Have a little respect for this majestic sport. This is a man's game. If you can't handle a little rain, then you can sit your pansy ass down and let the grown-ups show you how it's done."

Just as Gabriel finishes his speech, a tremor knocks him off balance. He glances at Balthazar incredulously. But Balthazar is looking at Cas.  
Castiel is glaring challengingly at Gabriel. The gale-force winds rip through the glass of the windows like they're made of paper and gust around him. His overcoat whips around him dramatically.

"Don't talk to Dean like that." With a flick of his wrist a ball rockets into the air and straight towards Gabriel. The archangel snaps his fingers and the it crumbles harmlessly to the floor. "Oh yeah Cas?" he taunts. "Think you can take us? Let's see if you can even knock down a pin."

The holy tax accountant glowers and Balthazar crows, "Why Castiel, if looks could smite!" Sam puts his head in his hands and mutters something that sounds like "We might as well give the earth to Satan now."

Dean is pouting again.

Cas sends a ball hurtling through the pins and the wall behind it. Cracks spread upwards toward the ceiling, causing chunks of wall to rain down."We'll put that down as a strike," Balthazar says pleasantly. "By the way, Gabe, if Cas wins you don't get my weapons."

"Oh yeah? Well if Cas wins defending Dean's honor, that counts as emotional third base and wins me that bet."

"Dean is not playing, Gabriel, so we can't get to third base together!" Cas points out angrily.

"Oh, golly... my bad Cassie-cakes." Gabriel winks at Dean. Dean angrily picks up a pencil and scribbles _ur a shit_ onto the back of a score card. Gabriel retaliates by getting another strike and doing an inappropriately sexual victory dance behind Cas' back. Sam has to hold Dean back from jumping out of his chair.

"You fucker! You're not getting my stash," Balthazar snipes. The ceiling, which had just been half-heartedly crumbling up until this point, begins to cave in in earnest. As it breaks apart the wind blows chunks of it off into the sky. Sam and Dean fall out of their chairs and take shelter under the table.

Balthazar flails his arms and pins fly. Sam has no fucking idea how they're keeping score.

Gabriel growls angrily and a twisting gale wrenches the table out of the floor. Dean scrambles after it, but it gets sucked out into the night.

"Shit, the nachos!" he yells.

The howling of the wind and rain raises in pitch until it's screaming along with the three angels arguing in the middle of the lane. Balthazar switched to french some time ago without anyone noticing, Castiel is actually stomping his feet, and Gabriel is plugging his ears and singing obnoxiously in both their faces.

"I never thought it would end like this," Sam yells at Dean as they hang on to a railing for dear life.

"In a bowling alley?"

"OH MY GOD, WOULD YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP?"

The storm dies almost instantly and the three wet, bedraggled angels turn to look at the new addition to the party.

Crowley is standing near the pinball machine, radiating vengeful British rage.

"We can literally hear you wankers in _Hell_," he rants. "You are bothering the denizens of _Hell_. Demons inflicting eternal torment on souls are requesting you keep the noise level down. Do you morons grasp the significance of this?"

"Do you grasp the significance of how serious bowling is?" Gabriel demands.

"That makes no fucking - shut up, Loki. Or do you prefer Gabriel? I'm sure your little deity friends would love to know that your daddy is the Big Daddy." He glances at the sky significantly.

"You know what Balthy? Keep your stupid weapons, I'm outta here." The trickster god raises his hand to snap his fingers.

"Wait!" Sam shouts. "Are you going to help us stop Lucifer?"

"For you baby? Anything." He wiggles his eyebrows. "I just wanted to see how much dumb shit I could get you to do before I agreed to your little 'Save the Humans' campaign."

Castiel turns to him. "So you don't believe in the honor and majesty of bowling?"

"Cas-baby. It's bowling."

Cas' forehead wrinkles and Gabriel disappears amidst the sound of rustling feathers.

"Well, I'd better be off," Balthazar says, awkwardly clapping his hands together, and then he's gone as well.

"If you boys bother me again, I swear to your pitiful god, I will set my hounds on you."

Then Sam and Dean are alone in a decimated bowling alley.

They sit in silence for a few minutes as they wrap their heads around everything that just happened.

"So I guess the positive in all this... is that we didn't die in a bowling alley." Dean finally says.

"Yeah. And it looks like you're gonna get laid sometime in the near future."

"What?"

"Well. Third base, at least."

"Shut up."


End file.
